Dreiser, Ch. 29

This transcription is from Dreiser's original manuscript of the ending to chapter 29 in his autobiography. None of this draft made it into the final copy.

"This matter or morals as anyone may readily see was already a ticklish business with me and gave me many an unhappy half hour. Not that I had any general tendency to steal or keep what did not belong to me (I did) so much as I had sharp yearnings for things which occasionally small theft or lies would have satisfied. Yet, I neither by any no means did I always lie or always stole steal--very rarely, as a matter of fact. Such lapses from an open and frank course of action were always painful to me. It is often said that a series of immoral thoughts or deeds tends to harden or blunt ones sense to everything of the same kind. I think the process of hardening is much slower than is generally imagined. In my case, in spite of a few early lapses, instead of becoming worse I became abetter. It is true that I stole a few things but finally I reached the place when I did not steal and my ultimate irregularities with women which occurred much later drove me to the ultimate conclusion that a single union would be best if it could be achieved. Yet I never could reach the place when I could accept the belief that even our moral code was is an interpretation of universal intelligence. In face, I can not believe this it. Rather I look upon human rules as springing from the need of a working equation for many types of men and great numbers. In my own case I never seemed able to recommend myself into any really paying position, which in my early years when my appetites were keen and to my hopes and longings intense made my positions seem very hard. Safe Deprivations irked me more than they did later when I was somewhat older and had more philosophy. What I took I suffered for--an result effect which I by no means offer as justification but rather as an explanation of why I think this hardening process is slow. Actually I am convinced as that it was the result of too much conscience, a thing which either in myself or others I greatly deplore. Either more courage or less conscience for anyone would be preferable where all is a dark, inexplicable world anyhow."

Dreiser's next draft came in the form of a typescript, which he also made edits too. Nonetheless, none of this ever made it into the final copy of his autobiography. By instead shortening his description on this event which impacted his life, the anecdote seems more poignant. Without the additional and excessive explanation and philosophy, the reader is left with the sense of regret that Dreiser clearly had regarding this instance.